Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

Old joke:

Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”

Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”

Customer: “You did it last year.”

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions