Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
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Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Only Americans understand
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
The options really are this bad
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
