Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
You Might Also Like
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing