[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
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“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
At ease
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.