Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

you’re so productive for your wage

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what