*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
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Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
A completely valid reaction tbh
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments