*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
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A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”