Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

Teens – Slay all day

20s – Rosé all day

30s – Bidet all day

40s – Bengay all day

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere