*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
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microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀