@EJGomez

[slams on the brakes]
WHAT DO YOU MEAN LINDSAY LOHAN PLAYED BOTH TWINS IN THE PARENT TRAP

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@dave_cactus

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

@alexlumaga

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

@Cheeseboy22

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

@captaincoximus

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

@FrenulumBreve

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”

[jesus whistles innocently]

@KentWGraham

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

@jlock17

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

@EJGomez

God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
God:
[later]
devil: welcome to hell

@JamieGreenlees

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

@fro_vo

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad