i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
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My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I love the honesty
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa