*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
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Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective