Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

New nose

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

Cha-ching is my safe word

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.