Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home