Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.