slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
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I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.