Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.

When you’re Kinky but poor

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.