slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
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When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I know karate and tons of other words.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.