Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
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Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”