Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
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“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.