Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

Covid like

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??