Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

I’m having an out of money experience.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

All is fair in drunk and war.

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”