Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

Terribly Tuesday.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes