Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level