Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

so this horse walks into a bar

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT