In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
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[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now