Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

Best spoiler warning ever

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

Once again not all heroes wear capes

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN