Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020