Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

called in thicc to work this morning