Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes