Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
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Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
“That’s what” – She
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.