Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
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“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.