Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
You Might Also Like
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.