Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
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Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.