“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
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Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
technically true but not a great slogan
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
