“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
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Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.