“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
You Might Also Like
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet