“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
You Might Also Like
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
looks legit
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*