Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes