Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually