Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business