Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.