Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.