Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
new record!
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours