“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
“Sorry” seems to be the hardest word?
There’s “Worcestershire,” “anemone” & “otorhinolaryngologist.”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Whenever someone says “let’s get weird” my first thought is “I’m already there”
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
A bee just landed on my cheek and didn’t sting me. I think we’re dating now.