I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
[later at zoo]
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Thanks to home security commercials, I am now terrified of middle aged white men.