Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

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“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato


[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?


When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.


Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody


Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.


“Sorry” seems to be the hardest word?

There’s “Worcestershire,” “anemone” & “otorhinolaryngologist.”

But whatever.


me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank


Whenever someone says “let’s get weird” my first thought is “I’m already there”


I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.


A bee just landed on my cheek and didn’t sting me. I think we’re dating now.