Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
called in thicc to work this morning
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids