@donni

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

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@DeanB15

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

@tchrquotes

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

@LuvPug

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

@punmagnate

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

@KalvinMacleod

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

@PaperWash

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

@JohnLyonTweets

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

@MacAnnabella

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

@TheFearBoners

Thanks to home security commercials, I am now terrified of middle aged white men.