Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that