“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
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The Struggle
Bro what is this
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
how to exercise your calf muscles
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is