“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
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TEETH IS INNOCENT
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
She was rare, like a goth jogging
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president