“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
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“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?