Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
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[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date