Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

What kind of a cult is this?

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

Guy who likes music

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

*opens fortune cookie*

“REDACTED”

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

My only stock options are chicken and beef.