Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
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They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.