Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
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My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
This is my pinned tweet
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.