Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park