Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
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My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
no way 😭
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.