Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

throat sock season is upon us.

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?

WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

remember

only for emergencies

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS