Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

I can’t wait!

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.