sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
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i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”