Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
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You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.