sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
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When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings