sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
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Only a mother’s love …
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Monica just destroyed the internet
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.