Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
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Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods