Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
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My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.