Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
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“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’