Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
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Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Nothing to do, you say?
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
ugh not again
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.