“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
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FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “