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*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Fights fire with marshmallows
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat