sleeping beauty
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Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
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Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
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😏😏😏😏😏
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My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions