sleeping beauty
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I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Welcome
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte