sleeping beauty
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The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Yeah. This was me today.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.