Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
You Might Also Like
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
