Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
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When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.