Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
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Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Well, shit
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.