Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
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Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.