Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
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Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
money maker
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.