Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t come here to be called names
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please