Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

Finally!