Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

🙅🏻

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.