Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”