Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes